Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
