I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Randomize
