Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
