i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
