I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
