i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
