My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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