I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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