just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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