Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
