matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
