It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
