tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Well I just put wine in my tea
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize