even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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