Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
