Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
