He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Randomize
