I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
