Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
