i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
