if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
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Everything about him screamed your future.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
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I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
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