If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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