dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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