my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
