u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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