my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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