Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
