Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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