i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
