Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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