Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
