I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
