hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
