Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
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The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
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My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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