my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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