We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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