she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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