Ambien. No doubt about it.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
