My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
