Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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