My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
we made out on top of his cat.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
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Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
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I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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