Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
