it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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