failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
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