Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
