Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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