she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
