i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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