Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
