I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
