I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
