Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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