I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
