Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
worst night to have a conscience
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
