she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
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Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
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I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
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