My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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